16th November 2010

Published November 16th, 2010

Seth rang today to talk about buying a brand new car. Its a devastating thing when you have an IQ which tells you that you should have the same things as your next door neighbour but with no way to understand that it takes more than just telling me to make it happen.  I cant think how many times we have been down this track, going through what needs to occur before he can buy a car but by the time I say that he cant just ‘get’ a car he has become angry and aggressive and simply will not listen. The more information i try and give him the less he listens.

The car that he wants is so out of his ability to buy on the pension with no job.  In fact they cant manage on the pension, we are providing them with between $100 and $300 extra a week over and above so its not viable in any way but it’s stuck in his head.  Its whats called perseveration.  The first choice is the only choice.  I think i have experienced what he feels but only to a very slight degree.  I might see something in a shop, an item of clothing or a piece of jewellery and it keeps going around and around in my head until i either buy the item or manage to successfully use a cognitive behavioural technique called ‘thought stopping’.  It is a technique that i tried to teach Seth when he was younger and  again as a young twenty-something young man but it didnt seem to have any impact on his ability to turn off these thoughts that im sure are driving him crazy.

I didnt have time to talk to him as long as he wanted – he often rings 6 or 7 or more times a day about things.  This time i was busy.  Hayley rang me about ten minutes later to say that he had just woken her up (she is around nine months pregnant and gets very tired) and then stormed off in the car with DJ.

I am always concerned when he gets angry and then drives off.  He has often said to me that he will drive into a brick wall or another car and even though i have become a little blaise about these threats im always reminded of what Dr Clarren told me when he took 8 Zyprexa in one of his many attempts, that we must take EVERY threat he makes seriously.  Because of the combination of impulsivity, immaturity and the missing connection between cause and consequence, the next time he attempts it could be his last.

I do believe that one day he will go too far but that will only happen when we run out of money.  At the moment, his moods and temper tantrums can be controlled to some extent by money.  If he has money for fuel he can get in his car and drive around for something to do.  If he has money he can go to the movies or the beach.  But while he is doing these things, Hayley is at home cleaning the house or working in the yard. Seth rarely helps her.

She is very tired at the moment and i really worry about her because essentially she already has two children to look after, her son and her husband.  She is almost ready to give birth, and Seth by virtue of his disability is only able to think about the things that affect him directly.  He cant seem to empathise with her.  He can make it look like he empathises – like an actor would – but i dont think he actually feels anything until it directly affects him.

Today when Hayley told me that he had ‘stormed off’ and taken his 18 months old son DJ, i was worried about DJ.  Seth isnt sufficiently confident to look after DJ for any length of time.

When Seth wants to talk about things that are clearly unattainable, it becomes a dance with him.  I have to make sure he sees that i am taking his discussion seriously.  If i dont, he will become angry and Hayley will be the one to placate him which isnt easy.  At this point everything i do has multiple consequences for the family.  If i let Seth manage this tantrum without intervening, he is likely to get angrier and angrier and then Hayley has to deal with it.  We have both been through this often – it is uncomfortable and sometimes even heartbreaking but sometimes i get angry myself.  But for Hayley’s sake if there is something i can do to keep Seth on an even keel then i have to do it even though i know it is just a short term solution to a very long term problem.

If Seth were on his own, i would change the way i manage these situations but i cant because everything that Seth does affects my daughter in law and grandsons.

I know for a fact that Seth tries to do the right thing, the best thing, the loving thing, but to everyone but Don, myself and Hayley, his ‘trying hard’ is like everyone else’s ‘stuffing up’.  What really scares me is wondering how long it will be before Hayley sees only the latter.

Im reminded of a comment I made in one of my books when i was trying to describe what FASD is really like.

“FASD is such a devastating disability. What disability results in sufferers being good at small talk but without substance? Then add a kind heart but a violent temper, complex needs but no insight, a small frame with big expectations and perhaps worst of all, a damaged mind but a beautiful face?”

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