31st October 2010

Published October 31st, 2010

Hayley, Seth and some friends have started working on the garden in the house they are renting from us.  They must have worked like troupers as just about every bush and tree has been cut down and they now have a view they never knew existed.  The photographs they have shown me look like there is about a meter of leaves, twigs, branches and green ants nests all over the back yard.

Seth seems very buoyant and i think it’s because he is active, achieving something and he is with friends.  He certainly seems to have put some effort into this huge activity.  Usually he finds it difficult to keep going physically on a job.  He either gets tired easily or runs out of motivation – I’m not sure which. With his weight the way it is I’m not surprised that he gets tired.  He says the weight is coming off now that he is not sitting all day in the taxi.

We’ve learned a lot about Seth since he was first diagnosed. The most problematic characteristics are ones which are a result of a lack of understanding of cause and consequence and the inability to plan that most people with FASD experience.

When Seth is working at something he enjoys he is a different person.  I believe he is more the person he was meant to be.  There is nothing as wonderful and as heartbreaking as seeing a glimpse of that person.  It’s not a good thing to think about often but it’s hard not to sometimes especially when those glimpses are so intoxicating to me.  When i see them I think that maybe in a few years …… It’s almost too hard to comprehend that his problems arent the result of something large like a motor vehicle accident or a bomb or at least something bigger than alcohol – it almost seems too small a thing to have caused such a huge problem.

When I see comments as the result of some news item about alcohol and pregnancy which say that ‘it’s my body, i will have a drink if i want to’- i just want to scream because its not the mother’s body we are talking out.  I wonder if that’s were there has been some miscommunication.  We are not suggesting that mothers stop drinking because it will harm their body, we are suggesting that not drinking is the safest choice for the baby.  And i can tell you that if i had that time over again there is nothing i wouldn’t give to have known what alcohol was going to do to my little baby BEFORE i had taken that first drink.

Parts of my life have been challenging but nothing that has happened to me equates to a day in Seth’s life.  Of course everything that happens to, because of and by Seth, also happens to Hayley.  I love her and dont want to see her hurt.  I told Seth today that his relationship with Hayley is the most important thing in his world and he must do everything he can to be a good husband and father.  I keep think there must be something i am not doing that would make the difference, something i should have said or something i could be saying now to him that would help him.  As his mother i (and im embarassed to say this) but i really feel like i should have been like some of the parents in the 80′s sitcoms like the Cosy Show.  I always compared my parenting to theirs and (of course) always fell way short.  I used to wonder whether Seth would have been more prepared for family life if he had been parented by the Huxtables.  Silly hey

I have a strong belief (not a religion) in God and the things i believe, i know to be true for me, but even that doesn’t help all the time.  We have huge debts from the GFC and we are nearing retirement. Seth and therefore Hayley cant live on the pension.  When Seth says that there is no food for DJ I cant not send them money. Natural justice and tough love dont work with people with FAS and besides that how could i live with myself knowing that DJ doesnt have enough food. 

Don and I worry about what will happen to Hayley, Seth and the children (Hayley is due to have their second beautiful baby in a few weeks) when we cant work any more.  I do have a strong belief that we are here on this earth for a reason, I believe in reincarnation and i try and believe that Seth had some reason for choosing to be my son and therefore Hayley had some reason for wanting to be part of our family. 

Take care and have a great Halloween.

Elizabeth

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